Elizabeth Gilbert on the power and simplicity of kindness

No matter where we are and what we have, one can do an act of kindness. Here is a link to Elizabeth Gilbert's experience of kindness in the midst her going through a difficult time.  https://youtu.be/RlUtPTGWIQc

As we move through the season of holy days, the focus of this blog will be shifting. It will highlight inspirational experiences as well as kindness resources. If you have something to share, please email it to UnitedInKindness@InterfaithSonoma.org 

Love and blessings, Tara

What Is Yours To Do?

More and more unsheltered people are making their homes along the Joe Rodota trail that runs between Santa Rosa and Sebastopol. It's heartbreaking and sometimes overwhelming. Two sisters in Sebastopol have decided to do something about it, creating a Facebook page Sonoma County Acts of Kindness

You can read more about their work and how you can get involved in this Sonoma West Times and News article, Kindness Wears Many Faces. What is yours to do?

Kindness to Yourself

Photo by Carl J on Unsplash

Just now I remembered, it's Monday!, followed by Oh, crud! I didn't post a Monday kindness blog.

I've been away at a deepening spiritual retreat and returned to the aftermath of evacuations and power outages. One could clearly excuse my forgetfulness. Then there's my inner critic, reminding me that I thought about it on Saturday, had all Sunday afternoon and evening to do something, and I didn't. 

So, today's practice. When you "blow it," be gentle to yourself. Remember that inner one that strives to do their best, no matter what, and sometimes they forget. It's not the end of the world, it's not even proof that they are a bad person. It's simply a moment of forgetfulness.

So today, be kind to yourself, whatever happens, or doesn't happen. Your gentleness and loving self-acceptance matter.

Kindness in Difficult Times

Photo by Saad Sharif on Unsplash

This week I have been away at a training. The night I flew to New Mexico, Sonoma County caught fire. Miles away from my family, my friends, and my community I stared at a text from my daughter asking what I wanted her to take when they evacuated.

Saturday night as “historic” winds were expected to drive the wildfire, our training group gathered for a powerful prayer from a Pueblan elder. I was able to acknowledge the deep grief and fear, embody it. And by the end of the ceremony, I was full. Some of my colleagues came up to hug, to reassure, to comfort. I found myself saying, “I love you, and I need to be alone right now.”

Compassion is a gift of our humanity. Please stand with those in pain and sorrow; please don’t help us until we ask then support us in ways we want to be supported, not what you think we need.

There were many gifts that night of prayer. Perhaps most important, I learned not to rush in with comfort, with Kleenex, with reassuring words. I learned to let folks be present to their experience, to companion them with my presence. That is more than enough.

The Three Gates

Photo by Fiona Naughton on Unsplash

I had a lot of meetings last week. Sitting with a cup of tea this weekend, I realized just how cranky and critical I was in many of them. And there was the conversation with a friend about my frustrations with another friend. Hmmm. My reflections made me feel a bit squirmy (do you know that feeling?).

I was reminded of the three Sufi gates -- before I speak anything there are three questions to ask myself:
          Is it true?
          Is it necessary?
          Is it kind?

Many of my conversations would have failed to pass through the last two gates into speech. Perhaps even truth was in question, had I been able to stand in another person's shoes.

This week, may you pause before you speak, so that whatever you say is true, necessary and kind.

Kindness Ripples Out

Photo by Daniel Mingook Kim on Unsplash

I was recently reminded of the power of the Buddhist practice of loving kindness or Metta. It is quite simple in not always easy. It centers on the following phrases:

• May you filled with loving kindness.
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.

The power and the blessing of this practice comes from who the "you" is. Often it begins with someone you love or who loves you. Then it moves on to someone toward whom you are neutral. Next is someone who pushes your buttons then someone you still hate. For each of these chants, the invitation is to speak from the compassion in your heart, don't make it a ya-da-ya-da of meaningless repetition. Bless the person to whom you offer this gift.

Another powerful practice is to bless yourself. "May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy." Let it resonate and open up those places that feel shadowed, dark, unacceptable. Loving kindness has a deep, healing power that ripples out and reminds us of our connections to each other. May this week bring you the blessings of loving kindness.

The World Is Our Mirror

Erin Profaci, unsplash.com

Have you noticed how when you're feeling good, the world seems to be a kinder, gentler place. The weather refreshes or impresses you, even if it's pouring rain. People around you seem friendlier, smile more often.

Our attention is affected by how we feel, what we think, our sense of ourselves. What are you reflecting out into the world? Are you a place of peace, compassion, welcome? Here's a simple practice that can assist you in reflecting those qualities out into the world. The practice comes from www.RandomActsOfKindness.org which has 50 suggestions. Here is the one I chose for today: Write a kind message on your mirror with a dry erase marker for yourself, your significant other or a family member.

It's such a simple practice -- and it makes a world of difference. Here's to kindness!

Share the Welcome of Kindness

We have been practicing kindness together for three months now. Most of our practices have been personal, quiet commitments we made to ourselves, our communities, our world. Today, let's invite others into the practice.

Our logo is familiar to you as it's part of our blog layout. It also appears in a bilingual welcoming poster created by Liz Larew. Here is the link where you can download a copy of the poster. 

This week I invite you to print a few copies and show them to businesses where you shop. Ask if they would be willing to display the poster in their window, letting everyone know they are welcome. And kindly accept their response, whether yea or nay.

Let me know how it goes. Blessings to all.

Just Listen

"If you would just listen to me..." Feeling seen and heard is a fundamental human need. I believe much of our struggling and conflict comes from wanting to matter, wanting to be seen and heard. That's why, this week, our practice is listening. Here are some tips from Radical Kindness by Angela Santomero:

• Turn away from and turn off electronic distractions like computers, tablets and smartphones. Focus on the person you're listening to, not other people and activities around you.
• Lean toward the person and look into their eyes, without threat or aggression.
• Listen to their words. Think about their ideas. Concentrate!
• Don't interrupt, even if you think the person speaking is wrong or you disagree. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of distraction.
• Listen to the whole person, including expression, tone, body language and mood.
• Ask clarifying questions, to make sure you're understanding what they're saying. It lets the speaker know your listening and you are clearer on what they said.
• Don't think of how you'll respond while they are talking. Just listen.
• When the person is done talking, take a breath. Don't jump right in. Let their words settle a bit -- there's also a chance they aren't quite finished, their just pausing for a moment.
• Be curious about the speaker's point of view. Remember listening is just that, to be curious about someone else's perspective. You don't have to convince them about your beliefs nor do you have to agree with them. Simply be curious about someone else and give them the gift of being heard.

If a person goes on longer than you can take in what they're saying, it's okay to ask for a pause, to check in to make sure you are clear on what their sharing. When you sit down to really listen to someone, it's also completely all right to set some ground rules like let's each talk for 4 or 5 minutes, with the only interruptions being clarifying questions. Or if the topic is important, schedule a time to talk about it, rather than cramming it into busy schedules which are in themselves distractions.

 

Your listening gifts another person with your presence, your respect, and your interest. As Mister Rogers would describe it, "It's you I like. Right here, right now. Go one, I'm here. I'm listening."  

Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash

Fear is a positive acceptance that you

will experience what you dislike. Faith is a positive acceptance that you 

will experience what you do like. 

But they are identical.

The only difference is in the direction.

                                                          Ernest Holmes

Fear or faith? Both are feelings based on throughts about our experiences. Why is it that when we aren't sure what is going to happen, we often assume the worst? Years ago I read Feel the Fear ... and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. She pointed out that when we don't know, it's just as likely that something good will happen as something bad. 

That's this week's practice: just for this week, let's avoid "awfulizing", fearing that, assuming that, the worst will happen. Rather than act out of fear and despair, let us seek those qualities and values that are still tucked away within everything. Let us act from those motives, of faith, of love, of courage, standing for what is good, right and true, knowing the power of these feelings lights our way through fear into other possibilities. 

One million plastic bottles each minute

Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash

The picture in this blog isn't trash at a municipal dump. It's debris floating in the water. In July 2017, Forbes magazine reported that around the world 1,000,000 plastic bottles are purchased every minute. Ninety-one percent of those 1.4 billion plus bottles each day are not recycled. So much plastic ends up in the ocean that World Economic Forum experts forecast that by 2050 the plastic in the ocean will weigh more than the fish.

Sometimes, it seems easier to grab a bottled water. Could you remember to bring your own container instead? Could you ask theaters and concert halls to offer alternatives, even paper cups that patrons fill from a jug or faucet are gentler on the environment? For a week, can you get by without water in a plastic bottle? Let's give it a try.

Thank You Notes ... Your Mother Was Right

Photo by Howard Riminton on Unsplash

As a child, every time I received a gift, my mother made me sit down and write a thank you note to the giver. It didn't have to be long and elaborate, but there was no getting out of doing it.

Recently, I was reminded of how important this simple practice is. A few weeks ago, I attended a lovely dinner party. The food was delicious, the host created a lovely atmosphere, and we all enjoyed the rich conversation. I saw the host a while later. She came up to me rather uncertainly and asked me what I thought of her gathering. She told me that she hadn't received any thank you notes or emails and was concerned that people didn't like her party. I reassured her that it had been wonderful -- and apologized for not letting her know. I'd fallen out of the practice my mother nagged me into.

Although we think that people know how much we appreciate them and their gifts -- like my friend's dinner party -- when we don't say thank you, they may assume they didn't do a good job. So, just like my mother told me, take time to write a card, or at least, to send an email. It matters.

Random Acts ... of Kindness

Photo by Donna Godsell on Unsplash

This week's invitation is to practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty. That phrase was popularized some years ago; Google searches still yield many results. Saying it this morning, what caught my attention was "random acts." The phrase that whispers in my mind is "random acts of violence," not kindness.

It's old news that bad news sells papers and gets "likes." There has been a lot of horrible news recently, so much so that what was an upbeat invitation to kindness has changed into a grim whisper in our minds.

I challenge you this week to be kind and pay attention to random acts of kindness around you. They are still there. As we notice them, we can shift how we see our world. Let's do that work that needs to be done to heal our communities and our dear Mother Earth.

Respect - The Art of Looking Again

Photo by Dave Webb on Unsplash

Do you have any idea how long it takes to have a first impression? Ten seconds? Four seconds? It actually takes only one-tenth of a second according to research reported on the Association for Psychological Science website. For us to decide that quickly means there have to be assumptions, expectations, judgments already in place -- all that we already know before we even have a look.

The image above is actually mostly a painting. A real chair has been strategically placed to enhance the illusion that a boy is reaching toward a hole in the wall. The boy isn't real even though our first glance suggests he is.

Much of how we relate to people in the day-to-day activities of our lives is based on impressions, expectations, stories about how they are. This week, I invite you to look again, that's the underlying derivation of "respect." Rather than rely on snap judgments, take the time to really see the person in front of you. If you talking with them, consider listening more than you speak, asking open-ended, compassionate questions coming from a sincere curiosity to know more about who they are.

This isn't necessarily an approach for every conversation you have. It is a lovely way to engage in at least some of them.

Here's to taking a second or third look, to showing some respect.

Before Getting Down to Business

Add caption

Has the picture made you hungry? It does look rather delicious. I wonder if the person who ordered it took time to see and thank the person who brought the food to the table?

Some years ago, on a tour in Bali, I stayed at a large hotel. Without exception, every staff person I met  -- on my way to the restaurant, at the front desk when I needed something, or simply going out for a stroll -- said hello and asked me how I was. It was different than our routine "Hi, How are you?" "Fine, thanks." They paused to see and appreciate me.

Returning to the states, I've done my best to carry this practice into my daily work. Throughout the day, when I see a colleague that I want to talk to about something, first, I greet them and check-in for a bit. Then, I get down to business. It takes a minute or so, sometimes more. When I'm in a rush, part of me just wants to get things done. Then I remember, people aren't things, Each one of us matters and deserves to be seen and appreciated.

That's this week's practice. It would be lovely if you left a comment on your experience. Namaste.

Stand for What You Believe In

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

This past weekend there were two more mass shootings. No matter how often they occur, we must never consider them "normal." People shopping for back to school are not meant to be targets for someone's hatred, no matter what.

So, this week, I invite you to let people in government know what you think about gun violence. This blog won't tell you what to write. It will tell you how to identify your elected officials, locally, statewide and nationally. Please, sit for a bit, quietly, and touch into your deepest, dearest values. Then ask yourself, what would my core values have me say to people in government? Having listened, with compassion and courage, let them know.

Why is this is a kindness blog? One of the reasons for this blog is to remind all of us that we can make a difference, and it doesn't always take huge, impactful actions. Sometimes, many voices raised in loving concern -- kindly and clearly -- do get the attention of those in leadership roles. Please, take the time to stand for what  you believe in.

US Senators: http://www.senate.gov/states/CA/intro.htm

U.S. House of Representatives: https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

California Legislators:

http://www.legislature.ca.gov/legislators_and_districts/legislators/your_legislator.html

Sonoma County Government:

http://sonomacounty.ca.gov/Elected-Officials/

Our Unseen Neighbors

Photo by Bryan Jones

Sometimes kindness requires that we step out of our comfort zone. At the Center for Spiritual Living in Santa Rosa, there is a photo exhibit of unsheltered, homeless people. Bryan Jones, the photographer, invites us to see them, they are our neighbors too.

Reflect on what holds you back. I remember being at a conference in Salt Lake City where I was going to attend a workshop on assisting the homeless. At breakfast I promised myself I would say hello to those I saw on my walk to the convention center. I was afraid that "they" would hound me for money. Not one of the four or five that I greeted and had a brief conversation with did. My regret was that I had set out without a lot of time to visit and had to be on my way to my meeting.

This week's kindness practice is to see and say hello to those you may ignore, choose not to see. You'll find this invitation to be kind under the tab above.

Mud Pies and Smiles

This morning, I find myself in a bit of grumbliness. Stayed up late, have too much on my schedule, even cranky that I am late writing this post. So, for me, and those of you who choose to practice with me, this week's commitment, be gentle with yourself.

There's a phrase, "No mud, no lotus." It reminds us that the beautiful lotus that floats on the surface of a pond has roots in the gunk below. Without the nourishment of that mud, there is no flower.

I can "should" on myself, should have gone to sleep earlier, should have scheduled this blog to post earlier this week, should be more "together." Naw, today, I choose to bless my whole self, mud, stem and blossom; I am what I am, grateful for it all.

That's this week's practice -- have a look at the tab above for the short version.

Noticing

Every now and then, I find myself driving to work when that wasn't my destination. The route is so familiar that I do it without thinking, on autopilot.

This week, join me in not using plastic bags, or at least, noticing when you do so. You may be surprised. Before I sat down to write this post, I noticed that I had a very ripe banana. It's now in the freezer for a future smoothie, and it's in a plastic bag. I actually thought about putting it in one of my glass containers, then convinced myself that one bag didn't matter, that it would fit better in my freezer. That rationalization is what birthed this post.

"Just one" bag probably doesn't matter, except that I'm not the only one using them. Let's make this a week of being kinder to our dear Mother Earth and all its creatures; make room in the freezer for a glass container, remember to bring mesh bags to the grocery store for your veggies, and more.

If you have an aha, or a creative way to avoid plastic bags, please share it in a comment. 

Kindness Is As Kindness Does

Photo by Guy Basabose on Unsplash

This week's practice invites us to pay attention to why we do things, not just anything (though that's a powerful practice), what motivates us to be kind. Gift someone with a kind word, a bit of help, some small thing -- without expecting anything in return. Click on the Weekly Kindness Practice tab above.

Sometimes we do things because it will get us something, earning respect, being appreciated, feeling important, putting someone in our debt. Although those acts may benefit others, they are more like business deals -- I do this, you do that -- than bits of kindness. 

There's another sticky wicket in practicing kindness. It doesn't come from a should. If you're sitting with, "I really should do these practices," rather than do them, you might want to settle into your heart and love yourself up a bit. See where the pushback is, where the "should" lives. Bless it and know that there is more to you than what you think you have to do.

Here's to kindness, just for the joy of it.

Let's Begin - Weekly Kindness Practice

Today we invite you to begin a weekly kindness practice. Know that others are joining you in this practice and that it ripples out into our community and our world.

You'll find today's practice, for the week beginning Monday, July 1, at the tab above labeled "Weekly Kindness Practice." Just click on it to find this week's invitation. Your comments and suggestions for future practices are most welcome.

United in Kindness on the Air Today, June 28, 6:45 am, 8:45 am, 5:30 pm

Our local PBS radio affiliate KRCB 91.1 FM airs a brief interview today on the Interfaith Council of Sonoma County's United in Kindness Program. The declaration it mentions to commit to more kindness is found at interfaithsonoma.org/declaration. The spot airs at 6:45, 8:45 and a third time at 6:30 this afternoon. You can also listen to a recording at your convenience, here's that link: https://norcalpublicmedia.org/krcb-news-feed/sonoma-county-interfaith-council-denounces-hate

Let's join in kindness!

Kindness -- It Can Happen Here

It's possible, with acts of kindness, small and large. Those of us blessed to live in Sonoma County can unite in standing for respect, dignity, and mutual regard. 

The Interfaith Council of Sonoma County (Website here) invites you to join in a growing movement, committing to standing against violence in speech and action, standing for the good that we recognize as an essential human quality.

There are many ways to participate.

• Right now, you can sign the Sonoma County - United in Kindness declaration. You'll find it here in English, here in Spanish / aquí en español
• Share this project with your friends and neighbors, invite them to read and sign the declaration too.
• Starting Monday, July 1, and each Monday that follows, check out the Kindness Practice for the week.
• Come back to this blog regularly for announcements about upcoming programs; or sign up with your email and be alerted when there's something new.

Kindness can make a difference. It starts with each one of us. Have suggestions? Leave a comment.