Kindness to Yourself

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Just now I remembered, it's Monday!, followed by Oh, crud! I didn't post a Monday kindness blog.

I've been away at a deepening spiritual retreat and returned to the aftermath of evacuations and power outages. One could clearly excuse my forgetfulness. Then there's my inner critic, reminding me that I thought about it on Saturday, had all Sunday afternoon and evening to do something, and I didn't. 

So, today's practice. When you "blow it," be gentle to yourself. Remember that inner one that strives to do their best, no matter what, and sometimes they forget. It's not the end of the world, it's not even proof that they are a bad person. It's simply a moment of forgetfulness.

So today, be kind to yourself, whatever happens, or doesn't happen. Your gentleness and loving self-acceptance matter.

Kindness in Difficult Times

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This week I have been away at a training. The night I flew to New Mexico, Sonoma County caught fire. Miles away from my family, my friends, and my community I stared at a text from my daughter asking what I wanted her to take when they evacuated.

Saturday night as “historic” winds were expected to drive the wildfire, our training group gathered for a powerful prayer from a Pueblan elder. I was able to acknowledge the deep grief and fear, embody it. And by the end of the ceremony, I was full. Some of my colleagues came up to hug, to reassure, to comfort. I found myself saying, “I love you, and I need to be alone right now.”

Compassion is a gift of our humanity. Please stand with those in pain and sorrow; please don’t help us until we ask then support us in ways we want to be supported, not what you think we need.

There were many gifts that night of prayer. Perhaps most important, I learned not to rush in with comfort, with Kleenex, with reassuring words. I learned to let folks be present to their experience, to companion them with my presence. That is more than enough.

Kindness Ripples Out

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I was recently reminded of the power of the Buddhist practice of loving kindness or Metta. It is quite simple in not always easy. It centers on the following phrases:

• May you filled with loving kindness.
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.

The power and the blessing of this practice comes from who the "you" is. Often it begins with someone you love or who loves you. Then it moves on to someone toward whom you are neutral. Next is someone who pushes your buttons then someone you still hate. For each of these chants, the invitation is to speak from the compassion in your heart, don't make it a ya-da-ya-da of meaningless repetition. Bless the person to whom you offer this gift.

Another powerful practice is to bless yourself. "May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy." Let it resonate and open up those places that feel shadowed, dark, unacceptable. Loving kindness has a deep, healing power that ripples out and reminds us of our connections to each other. May this week bring you the blessings of loving kindness.

The World Is Our Mirror

Erin Profaci, unsplash.com

Have you noticed how when you're feeling good, the world seems to be a kinder, gentler place. The weather refreshes or impresses you, even if it's pouring rain. People around you seem friendlier, smile more often.

Our attention is affected by how we feel, what we think, our sense of ourselves. What are you reflecting out into the world? Are you a place of peace, compassion, welcome? Here's a simple practice that can assist you in reflecting those qualities out into the world. The practice comes from www.RandomActsOfKindness.org which has 50 suggestions. Here is the one I chose for today: Write a kind message on your mirror with a dry erase marker for yourself, your significant other or a family member.

It's such a simple practice -- and it makes a world of difference. Here's to kindness!

Share the Welcome of Kindness

We have been practicing kindness together for three months now. Most of our practices have been personal, quiet commitments we made to ourselves, our communities, our world. Today, let's invite others into the practice.

Our logo is familiar to you as it's part of our blog layout. It also appears in a bilingual welcoming poster created by Liz Larew. Here is the link where you can download a copy of the poster. 

This week I invite you to print a few copies and show them to businesses where you shop. Ask if they would be willing to display the poster in their window, letting everyone know they are welcome. And kindly accept their response, whether yea or nay.

Let me know how it goes. Blessings to all.

Just Listen

"If you would just listen to me..." Feeling seen and heard is a fundamental human need. I believe much of our struggling and conflict comes from wanting to matter, wanting to be seen and heard. That's why, this week, our practice is listening. Here are some tips from Radical Kindness by Angela Santomero:

• Turn away from and turn off electronic distractions like computers, tablets and smartphones. Focus on the person you're listening to, not other people and activities around you.
• Lean toward the person and look into their eyes, without threat or aggression.
• Listen to their words. Think about their ideas. Concentrate!
• Don't interrupt, even if you think the person speaking is wrong or you disagree. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of distraction.
• Listen to the whole person, including expression, tone, body language and mood.
• Ask clarifying questions, to make sure you're understanding what they're saying. It lets the speaker know your listening and you are clearer on what they said.
• Don't think of how you'll respond while they are talking. Just listen.
• When the person is done talking, take a breath. Don't jump right in. Let their words settle a bit -- there's also a chance they aren't quite finished, their just pausing for a moment.
• Be curious about the speaker's point of view. Remember listening is just that, to be curious about someone else's perspective. You don't have to convince them about your beliefs nor do you have to agree with them. Simply be curious about someone else and give them the gift of being heard.

If a person goes on longer than you can take in what they're saying, it's okay to ask for a pause, to check in to make sure you are clear on what their sharing. When you sit down to really listen to someone, it's also completely all right to set some ground rules like let's each talk for 4 or 5 minutes, with the only interruptions being clarifying questions. Or if the topic is important, schedule a time to talk about it, rather than cramming it into busy schedules which are in themselves distractions.

 

Your listening gifts another person with your presence, your respect, and your interest. As Mister Rogers would describe it, "It's you I like. Right here, right now. Go one, I'm here. I'm listening."  

One million plastic bottles each minute

Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash

The picture in this blog isn't trash at a municipal dump. It's debris floating in the water. In July 2017, Forbes magazine reported that around the world 1,000,000 plastic bottles are purchased every minute. Ninety-one percent of those 1.4 billion plus bottles each day are not recycled. So much plastic ends up in the ocean that World Economic Forum experts forecast that by 2050 the plastic in the ocean will weigh more than the fish.

Sometimes, it seems easier to grab a bottled water. Could you remember to bring your own container instead? Could you ask theaters and concert halls to offer alternatives, even paper cups that patrons fill from a jug or faucet are gentler on the environment? For a week, can you get by without water in a plastic bottle? Let's give it a try.

Thank You Notes ... Your Mother Was Right

Photo by Howard Riminton on Unsplash

As a child, every time I received a gift, my mother made me sit down and write a thank you note to the giver. It didn't have to be long and elaborate, but there was no getting out of doing it.

Recently, I was reminded of how important this simple practice is. A few weeks ago, I attended a lovely dinner party. The food was delicious, the host created a lovely atmosphere, and we all enjoyed the rich conversation. I saw the host a while later. She came up to me rather uncertainly and asked me what I thought of her gathering. She told me that she hadn't received any thank you notes or emails and was concerned that people didn't like her party. I reassured her that it had been wonderful -- and apologized for not letting her know. I'd fallen out of the practice my mother nagged me into.

Although we think that people know how much we appreciate them and their gifts -- like my friend's dinner party -- when we don't say thank you, they may assume they didn't do a good job. So, just like my mother told me, take time to write a card, or at least, to send an email. It matters.

Respect - The Art of Looking Again

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Do you have any idea how long it takes to have a first impression? Ten seconds? Four seconds? It actually takes only one-tenth of a second according to research reported on the Association for Psychological Science website. For us to decide that quickly means there have to be assumptions, expectations, judgments already in place -- all that we already know before we even have a look.

The image above is actually mostly a painting. A real chair has been strategically placed to enhance the illusion that a boy is reaching toward a hole in the wall. The boy isn't real even though our first glance suggests he is.

Much of how we relate to people in the day-to-day activities of our lives is based on impressions, expectations, stories about how they are. This week, I invite you to look again, that's the underlying derivation of "respect." Rather than rely on snap judgments, take the time to really see the person in front of you. If you talking with them, consider listening more than you speak, asking open-ended, compassionate questions coming from a sincere curiosity to know more about who they are.

This isn't necessarily an approach for every conversation you have. It is a lovely way to engage in at least some of them.

Here's to taking a second or third look, to showing some respect.

Before Getting Down to Business

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Has the picture made you hungry? It does look rather delicious. I wonder if the person who ordered it took time to see and thank the person who brought the food to the table?

Some years ago, on a tour in Bali, I stayed at a large hotel. Without exception, every staff person I met  -- on my way to the restaurant, at the front desk when I needed something, or simply going out for a stroll -- said hello and asked me how I was. It was different than our routine "Hi, How are you?" "Fine, thanks." They paused to see and appreciate me.

Returning to the states, I've done my best to carry this practice into my daily work. Throughout the day, when I see a colleague that I want to talk to about something, first, I greet them and check-in for a bit. Then, I get down to business. It takes a minute or so, sometimes more. When I'm in a rush, part of me just wants to get things done. Then I remember, people aren't things, Each one of us matters and deserves to be seen and appreciated.

That's this week's practice. It would be lovely if you left a comment on your experience. Namaste.

Stand for What You Believe In

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This past weekend there were two more mass shootings. No matter how often they occur, we must never consider them "normal." People shopping for back to school are not meant to be targets for someone's hatred, no matter what.

So, this week, I invite you to let people in government know what you think about gun violence. This blog won't tell you what to write. It will tell you how to identify your elected officials, locally, statewide and nationally. Please, sit for a bit, quietly, and touch into your deepest, dearest values. Then ask yourself, what would my core values have me say to people in government? Having listened, with compassion and courage, let them know.

Why is this is a kindness blog? One of the reasons for this blog is to remind all of us that we can make a difference, and it doesn't always take huge, impactful actions. Sometimes, many voices raised in loving concern -- kindly and clearly -- do get the attention of those in leadership roles. Please, take the time to stand for what  you believe in.

US Senators: http://www.senate.gov/states/CA/intro.htm

U.S. House of Representatives: https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

California Legislators:

http://www.legislature.ca.gov/legislators_and_districts/legislators/your_legislator.html

Sonoma County Government:

http://sonomacounty.ca.gov/Elected-Officials/

Kindness Is As Kindness Does

Photo by Guy Basabose on Unsplash

This week's practice invites us to pay attention to why we do things, not just anything (though that's a powerful practice), what motivates us to be kind. Gift someone with a kind word, a bit of help, some small thing -- without expecting anything in return. Click on the Weekly Kindness Practice tab above.

Sometimes we do things because it will get us something, earning respect, being appreciated, feeling important, putting someone in our debt. Although those acts may benefit others, they are more like business deals -- I do this, you do that -- than bits of kindness. 

There's another sticky wicket in practicing kindness. It doesn't come from a should. If you're sitting with, "I really should do these practices," rather than do them, you might want to settle into your heart and love yourself up a bit. See where the pushback is, where the "should" lives. Bless it and know that there is more to you than what you think you have to do.

Here's to kindness, just for the joy of it.