Just Listen

"If you would just listen to me..." Feeling seen and heard is a fundamental human need. I believe much of our struggling and conflict comes from wanting to matter, wanting to be seen and heard. That's why, this week, our practice is listening. Here are some tips from Radical Kindness by Angela Santomero:

• Turn away from and turn off electronic distractions like computers, tablets and smartphones. Focus on the person you're listening to, not other people and activities around you.
• Lean toward the person and look into their eyes, without threat or aggression.
• Listen to their words. Think about their ideas. Concentrate!
• Don't interrupt, even if you think the person speaking is wrong or you disagree. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of distraction.
• Listen to the whole person, including expression, tone, body language and mood.
• Ask clarifying questions, to make sure you're understanding what they're saying. It lets the speaker know your listening and you are clearer on what they said.
• Don't think of how you'll respond while they are talking. Just listen.
• When the person is done talking, take a breath. Don't jump right in. Let their words settle a bit -- there's also a chance they aren't quite finished, their just pausing for a moment.
• Be curious about the speaker's point of view. Remember listening is just that, to be curious about someone else's perspective. You don't have to convince them about your beliefs nor do you have to agree with them. Simply be curious about someone else and give them the gift of being heard.

If a person goes on longer than you can take in what they're saying, it's okay to ask for a pause, to check in to make sure you are clear on what their sharing. When you sit down to really listen to someone, it's also completely all right to set some ground rules like let's each talk for 4 or 5 minutes, with the only interruptions being clarifying questions. Or if the topic is important, schedule a time to talk about it, rather than cramming it into busy schedules which are in themselves distractions.

 

Your listening gifts another person with your presence, your respect, and your interest. As Mister Rogers would describe it, "It's you I like. Right here, right now. Go one, I'm here. I'm listening."