Kindness in Difficult Times

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This week I have been away at a training. The night I flew to New Mexico, Sonoma County caught fire. Miles away from my family, my friends, and my community I stared at a text from my daughter asking what I wanted her to take when they evacuated.

Saturday night as “historic” winds were expected to drive the wildfire, our training group gathered for a powerful prayer from a Pueblan elder. I was able to acknowledge the deep grief and fear, embody it. And by the end of the ceremony, I was full. Some of my colleagues came up to hug, to reassure, to comfort. I found myself saying, “I love you, and I need to be alone right now.”

Compassion is a gift of our humanity. Please stand with those in pain and sorrow; please don’t help us until we ask then support us in ways we want to be supported, not what you think we need.

There were many gifts that night of prayer. Perhaps most important, I learned not to rush in with comfort, with Kleenex, with reassuring words. I learned to let folks be present to their experience, to companion them with my presence. That is more than enough.

The Three Gates

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I had a lot of meetings last week. Sitting with a cup of tea this weekend, I realized just how cranky and critical I was in many of them. And there was the conversation with a friend about my frustrations with another friend. Hmmm. My reflections made me feel a bit squirmy (do you know that feeling?).

I was reminded of the three Sufi gates -- before I speak anything there are three questions to ask myself:
          Is it true?
          Is it necessary?
          Is it kind?

Many of my conversations would have failed to pass through the last two gates into speech. Perhaps even truth was in question, had I been able to stand in another person's shoes.

This week, may you pause before you speak, so that whatever you say is true, necessary and kind.

Kindness Ripples Out

Photo by Daniel Mingook Kim on Unsplash

I was recently reminded of the power of the Buddhist practice of loving kindness or Metta. It is quite simple in not always easy. It centers on the following phrases:

• May you filled with loving kindness.
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.

The power and the blessing of this practice comes from who the "you" is. Often it begins with someone you love or who loves you. Then it moves on to someone toward whom you are neutral. Next is someone who pushes your buttons then someone you still hate. For each of these chants, the invitation is to speak from the compassion in your heart, don't make it a ya-da-ya-da of meaningless repetition. Bless the person to whom you offer this gift.

Another powerful practice is to bless yourself. "May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy." Let it resonate and open up those places that feel shadowed, dark, unacceptable. Loving kindness has a deep, healing power that ripples out and reminds us of our connections to each other. May this week bring you the blessings of loving kindness.

The World Is Our Mirror

Erin Profaci, unsplash.com

Have you noticed how when you're feeling good, the world seems to be a kinder, gentler place. The weather refreshes or impresses you, even if it's pouring rain. People around you seem friendlier, smile more often.

Our attention is affected by how we feel, what we think, our sense of ourselves. What are you reflecting out into the world? Are you a place of peace, compassion, welcome? Here's a simple practice that can assist you in reflecting those qualities out into the world. The practice comes from www.RandomActsOfKindness.org which has 50 suggestions. Here is the one I chose for today: Write a kind message on your mirror with a dry erase marker for yourself, your significant other or a family member.

It's such a simple practice -- and it makes a world of difference. Here's to kindness!

Share the Welcome of Kindness

We have been practicing kindness together for three months now. Most of our practices have been personal, quiet commitments we made to ourselves, our communities, our world. Today, let's invite others into the practice.

Our logo is familiar to you as it's part of our blog layout. It also appears in a bilingual welcoming poster created by Liz Larew. Here is the link where you can download a copy of the poster. 

This week I invite you to print a few copies and show them to businesses where you shop. Ask if they would be willing to display the poster in their window, letting everyone know they are welcome. And kindly accept their response, whether yea or nay.

Let me know how it goes. Blessings to all.

Just Listen

"If you would just listen to me..." Feeling seen and heard is a fundamental human need. I believe much of our struggling and conflict comes from wanting to matter, wanting to be seen and heard. That's why, this week, our practice is listening. Here are some tips from Radical Kindness by Angela Santomero:

• Turn away from and turn off electronic distractions like computers, tablets and smartphones. Focus on the person you're listening to, not other people and activities around you.
• Lean toward the person and look into their eyes, without threat or aggression.
• Listen to their words. Think about their ideas. Concentrate!
• Don't interrupt, even if you think the person speaking is wrong or you disagree. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of distraction.
• Listen to the whole person, including expression, tone, body language and mood.
• Ask clarifying questions, to make sure you're understanding what they're saying. It lets the speaker know your listening and you are clearer on what they said.
• Don't think of how you'll respond while they are talking. Just listen.
• When the person is done talking, take a breath. Don't jump right in. Let their words settle a bit -- there's also a chance they aren't quite finished, their just pausing for a moment.
• Be curious about the speaker's point of view. Remember listening is just that, to be curious about someone else's perspective. You don't have to convince them about your beliefs nor do you have to agree with them. Simply be curious about someone else and give them the gift of being heard.

If a person goes on longer than you can take in what they're saying, it's okay to ask for a pause, to check in to make sure you are clear on what their sharing. When you sit down to really listen to someone, it's also completely all right to set some ground rules like let's each talk for 4 or 5 minutes, with the only interruptions being clarifying questions. Or if the topic is important, schedule a time to talk about it, rather than cramming it into busy schedules which are in themselves distractions.

 

Your listening gifts another person with your presence, your respect, and your interest. As Mister Rogers would describe it, "It's you I like. Right here, right now. Go one, I'm here. I'm listening."  

Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash

Fear is a positive acceptance that you

will experience what you dislike. Faith is a positive acceptance that you 

will experience what you do like. 

But they are identical.

The only difference is in the direction.

                                                          Ernest Holmes

Fear or faith? Both are feelings based on throughts about our experiences. Why is it that when we aren't sure what is going to happen, we often assume the worst? Years ago I read Feel the Fear ... and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. She pointed out that when we don't know, it's just as likely that something good will happen as something bad. 

That's this week's practice: just for this week, let's avoid "awfulizing", fearing that, assuming that, the worst will happen. Rather than act out of fear and despair, let us seek those qualities and values that are still tucked away within everything. Let us act from those motives, of faith, of love, of courage, standing for what is good, right and true, knowing the power of these feelings lights our way through fear into other possibilities.